Saturday, August 07, 2010

Biting Awake

So, it's 6 in the morning and I'm awake writing to you.

I had a dream...in the early hours of the morning I guess.  I dreamt that my old English teacher from school was trying to tutor me on how to pass a test.  The test was passing through a field of poisonous flowers and weeds, and he was trying to tell me how to jump and dodge effectively.

I woke up instantly feeling...depressed actually.  I'd like to say I felt invigorated, but I just felt depressed.  Yes, another impossible mission to face.  I just felt like I'd let everyone down, everyone who thought I was going to be someone worth remembering.  I haven't done what I could have done, and I haven't become who I should be.  

The dream has urged me to write, but I find myself writing here instead.  I have so many ideas and they are all conflicting, and my days are: I don't know, I want to know, but I don't know.

I don't really know where to flipping start.  It's easy to just say: just do it.  But my life has to be stable and right now it's not.  I was thinking that I doubt I'm going to be able to afford paying the submission fee for Competition A in like a week's time, and that made me feel bitter as heck.  I literally can't afford to leave my house, I can't afford new books to read, and it's just a head banger situation.  

My promise to myself is to get life sorted by the end of September.  I know I say it over and over, but I do mean it.  I can make stuff happen, if I did it before I don't see why I can't do it now. 

I think my biggest issue is learning to compromise, or find compromises.  I like what I like, and don't agree with settling with something subpar. 

This week's compromise will be, not leaving the house unless to go to work.  I will hole myself up in my room, and practice on my keyboard, read Stephen King (I have Skeleton Crew and The Dome, both I haven't read) write my competition entry, and try to write short stories so I have reserves for upcoming competitions.

I can only take small steps to being who I was supposed to be.


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