Thursday, August 12, 2010

Dreams Deferred

I'm having to forfeit on Competition A because I can't afford to submit anything.  This fact forces me into an ugly reality and further seclusion.  

I ignore phone calls, I don't return texts, and I don't talk to anyone.  Because the person they're trying to reach no longer exists.  And anyway, I don't have friends.  I have borrowers of my time.  And ruiners of everything.

This is the worst time of my life, like there is nothing, and no one that I can turn to for help.  Except myself, and she's proving to be useless.  The only thing I can do is move straight onto Competition B, which has a deadline in the middle of September and hopefully by then I'll have money.  How, I have no idea. 

I will blame myself on and on though.  I blame myself because that's the only way I'll improve.  Everything that went wrong is my fault and even when things pick up I'll remember this day, the day I couldn't afford to enter this measly competition.  And instead of basking as I did in the past, I'll tell myself you haven't achieved anything, and keep working.  

On and on.  You've achieved nothing.

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