Monday, August 30, 2010

The War That Tore Me

I'm going through another war with myself, and it seems to be between the old me, and the me that manifested herself during the Year of Isolation.

I can't go back to being that girl.  You don't spend months on your own with sour thoughts, and rotting ideas, you don't spend time in a small room pacing with memories, you don't spend nights awake alone, remembering the wrongs done to you... and then snap a switch and forget.

The person I am now, I understand, but I wasn't before.  I can't lie to myself.  I can't imagine laughing at the same things...at least not with the same people.  I don't want to talk to the old people in my life anymore, because they don't know the current me, they knew some girl who was disposed of by their own negligence.  They talk about the old bullshit that I've finally laid to rest.  I don't hold grudges, but push me with an ugly memory and I will snap. 

You can't go back.  Life is just like time, and you can't ever go back.  The days that are gone, can never be salvaged; lost friends should stay lost.  Time is like the water that freezes rocks, forcing them to shatter. 

All I can do is embrace the new me, and take the things I managed to salvage from the destruction.  All I can do is leave.
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