Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Lead Balloon

(This is me ill, yeh)
Er.  Yeah.

Life isn't too great right now. Obviously it's ok, it's busy, but still, nothing amazing.

I have these dreams, these ambitions, these hopes, and each day is like tearing them apart as a sign of disrespect.  Why do we put these goals up, when we can't reach them. 

This job thing, is driving me mad.  Not only have I not got one, I never have the time to find one.

So Wednesday morning I woke up, deaf in one ear.  It was the most distressing moment of my life.  One of my senses gone, without warning.  When I told my classmates, a lot of them thought it was funny, most of the things I say people find funny because they think I'm joking.  If they knew I was deadly serious they'd either think I was weird or frightening. 

Turned out I had an ear infection, on top of being ill.  So I'm on a short term of antibiotics, fun fun. 

As far as writing goes, I'm starting to despair.  My course has me whipped; I sit in front of my laptop (which has now become my new boyfriend might I add) and browse for god knows what.  I wake up late most days, feeling ticked off and harrassed. 

I failed one of my projects at uni, and it was a humiliating moment.  I had another project due in last Monday, so I'm hoping I did well, to redeem myself. 

Now on top of all of that...I want to shop.  I want to buy meaningless things like HD makeup, get my hair done, buy new clothes, new shoes, and live my life.  Sometimes I think 22 is too old to live an 18 year old's life.  And gosh, what about holidays?  They never seemed further away.

Japanese is going ok, although I think I'm falling behind in my studies as I don't know hiragana off by heart yet.  Work, work, work.

The other day, I sounded defeated.  I assure you, I'm not.  I've been through worse than this, but I'm impatient.  I want the light at the end of this dark tunnel.  But I'm marching.  Marching till I find it.

I could run into this black room, even though you're not there.  I could run, and punch holes into your sky, until you stopped me.  And even then, I'd dance out the door, to the white field where we had once known each other.

Sometimes, I doubt I'll ever know you again.

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