Since I was about 15, I've always loved clubbing, going out and being a social person. But life has always dictated otherwise.
Because despite me loving this social side of life, I never get to enjoy it, due to poor choice of friends, circumstances, or lack of funds.
I don't really remember the last time I went out clubbing, with a group of girls and really enjoyed it. I don't remember the last time the night seemed to be a 'success'. I hardly ever go out now. I don't have many friends that I have much in common with, except my course. Can't remember the last time I went to the cinema, had a fun shopping trip, or hung out with anyone.
Anytime I open my wardrobe I push my old figure hugging dresses out of the way, I ignore my 3 inch heels, and I just reach for something 'practical'. I look at those dresses, and think yeah soon. But when the hell is that, anyway?
A lot of the time it seems really depressing, when I analyse it. But thinking about it now, I realise that it's depressing because in my head I see myself as one person. But in reality, I'm someone else completely. I'm someone who sits in all the time. Fun is watching a good tv programme, a good day involves buying a new DVD to add to my collection. An amazing day involves a phone conversation, and facebook chat.
I guess in my head I'm still the 18 year old girl, in control of her life, who went out three times a week, stayed out till 4, and was at work the next day ready for more. The girl who could and would do anything she desired.
It's been hard letting go of that girl. Letting go of that identity.
See you have to accept your reality. You have to try.
But if you can't...you must change it.
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