Sunday, July 17, 2011

When Your Back's Against the Wall

I keep playing this song, over and over.  Maybe it's because I am Chris Brown's rightful wife.  Or just because I feel stuck in this situation with my life.  It's one of the two.

Didn't think I'd feel like writing tbh.  There is way too much up in the air, and I have the sudden realization that I am responsible for my life from this point on.  There isn't much left up to chance anymore.  I either make it or I don't and I've never felt so petrified in my life.  

My friends and family have had enough of my whining, so I've reverted to talking to myself, and looking for the answers.  I have one: fight or flight

I would prefer to run.  Run away, and hide in seclusion, and forget that I ever wanted to try, and be...someone.  I have been beat down, and I have had enough.  You don't have to keep getting up, if you keep getting knocked down.  What good are dreams, if you can't live them?  Why keep trying?

If I stay and fight, well, I'll have to be stronger than I've previously given myself credit for.  But there's too much to fight for,  too much ground that has been lost to claim back.  Too much effort.  And maybe now, there's too much to lose.  

So I have less than a month to decide what I want.  I have a barrage of examinations and tests, as well as a few interviews being fired my way, all in three weeks' time.  I will have to work harder than I ever have before.  I will have to make a name for myself, and produce work, to prove my worth.  I don't think I'm ready.  But I guess I have to be.

There's nowhere else to go.


  1. You gotta push, and keep pushing. I'm 22 myself and trying to do a few things myself between finding work and publishing a book. You can do whatever needs to be done, because there is no other choice, you just have to do what you have to do. I see you understand that and I know you'll be fine because of it. You wouldn't be in this position if you weren't supposed to be. Now you just have to buss some ass; you got it.

  2. Think I've been so scared of failing, that I've been scared of facing the obstacles full on and getting on with it. But I'm feeling a bit braver now :) X

  3. I think the biggest part of failing is not trying. I can't lie, I am terrified of failing but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least give it my all. We only get one chance at life so all we can do is live it to the fullest. I'm sure you'll do great at whatever you decide just have faith.

  4. Hang in there girlie and don't be afraid to step out on faith. We all get stuck in a rut sometimes but what matters most is what we do to come out of the rut. You don't have to come out running, but as long as you at least crawl, you're still moving forward.

    I'm rooting for you!

  5. Thanks girlies, I'm gonna keep the faith and keep at it :) X

  6. Hey hun, I know you feel like you've been trying and trying and you don't have the strength to go on, but it's times like this when you realize how much stronger you are. You're stronger than you would have ever imagined. Even if you're not quite ready yet, you have to step out and take a risk - you might surprise yourself.

  7. Thanks hun :D I plan on doing just that, there's no time to waste X


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