Friday, September 23, 2011

Leeches + Doubt

I've got to be quick with this post.  It's 1:40 in the morning and I'm awake because 1) I'm exhausted, and 2) I need to get some stuff off my chest before I can sleep.  If I don't vent before I sleep I will probably have angry nightmares and wake up in a bad mood.

I spent the day with my friends from uni today, and I finished the day in such an awful rage filled with shame that I thought I would vomit once I made it home. 

I have 2 categories of friends.  I have friends that try to use me.  I have friends that feed off of me.  The friends that drove me bananas today feed off of me like I'm a platter at an All You Can Eat Diner.

The worse thing about these parasitic friends is that it takes ages to realize that you're feeding them.  My style and my clothes feed them.  My work feeds them.  My attitude feeds them.  If I buy something, they are asking where I bought it, how much, and if there are any left.  In fact one of my friends asked me where I bought something so that they could buy it, and they hadn't even seen it.  If I wear an outfit that I've slung together, they are wearing their duplicated version the following day.  If I get a job...ha, luckily I haven't been stupid enough to tell them where I'm working or strike a light! there they'd be next Tuesday at a staff meeting!  Hair extensions, make up, info on uni, on getting anywhere in life- everything...

They infuriate me because as you act as fuel towards these people, they feed off of you in a subconscious manner, so that they actually think that what they are copying from you...is all them.  You'll hear them talking about acomplishments that wouldn't have occured if not for your input, without a mention or a nod in your direction.  They made these subtle little comments that made my own accomplishments feel insignificant, and had me burning in a rage so severe I considered phoning up my current job and quitting, and starting all over again.  

All of this from interaction with leeches.  

Today was the first time I felt that way.  Ashamed of what I had achieved this summer, and doubting my own choices, plans and decisions.  What I did, I got on my own, with only mine and my family's faith in me acting as a guiding force.  There was no, where are you going, where did you get, can I borrow, can I have, do you have any left... when I was struggling like a damn fool.  All of these pleas that only really mean: Let me have...whatever you have.  Let your advantages...be my advantages.  If I made them this summer, let me assure you, the cries fell on deaf ears.

I've already made changes from last academic year, and I promised myself that I would not come out at the end of this year feeling like a chump.  I'm keeping all of my cards very close to my chest this time around.  I feel strong enough to pave the way for myself.  I don't have the strength to carry anyone else along with me. 

So to my leeching friends, please...Get off the tit and get your own shit.
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Monday, September 19, 2011

Dreams Deferred

Dreams Deferred
This post was going to be titled, Regret.  However I got some news Saturday, and suddenly feel so hopeful, like I'm on the right track. ...
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Friday, September 02, 2011

Hello September

Hello September
As I sit, writing in a room that a year ago was formerly a cave, preparing to leave for the third time, I think to myself, that I'm no...
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