As I sit, writing in a room that a year ago was formerly a cave, preparing to leave for the third time, I think to myself, that I'm not the girl/shut in/woman that I was back then.
Honestly, I should be happy and excited to be going. Despite this being a pretty unenjoyable summer, some of my hard work has paid off, and I'm in far better situations, with amazing opportunities in sight. This time last year I was doom and gloom.
However, and of course, I don't want to go. In fact I feel ill at the thought of it. I'm moving into new student accommodation on Monday, and I can assure you that that's gonna be a right old barrel of laughs. I pray, that I don't get selfish immature idiots as flatmates this year. Although if I do, I wonder if I'm even going to be home long enough for them to irritate me.
And I'm starting to doubt if I'll be able to take on the Creative Writing Course, as I don't have enough money to pay the fees, or get there and back. Worries seem to haunt my every step.
I think back to the past year, and my relationships with friends, and instead of feeling assured of their meaning and might I add, use in my life, I'm starting to wonder if I should bother keeping them. Everyone's out for themselves, which shouldn't be a huge surprise, and only a few friends bothered to contact me this summer to see if I'm ok, coping, or making any progress.
This year, if I'm going to do things right, I'm going to have to prepare to be even lonelier than I ever imagined. Because if you're talented everyone wants a piece, to steal your work, and then undermine you with it. That doesn't impress me. Imitation isn't flattery, it's plagiarism.
Finding ways to stay one step ahead is exhausting, both mentally and physically, as well as financially. Being on point usually takes me away from the girl that I want to be which is happy, thoughtful and friendly. I don't know if I have enough strength to teach myself computer software techniques and woodwork skills, maintain my studies, surpass my classmates, do well at work, take a writing course...and be me.
But I'm finally seeing that that doesn't matter. What I want to do now, only jeopardises what I want for the future. So what I have to do is stop ignoring the truth. Good things come to those who work for them. Yes it's hard. And sometimes, I really do wonder, what is any of this worth? But I've sat in a dark corner, knocked out. I've lived in limbo, and it's nothing but a void where no work means no joy. The time for contemplation is over. I'm guessing I've got three years to turn this life, like a wayward ship around. Best get to steering huh.
what is any of this worth? - I really do wonder,too.I've been wondering it seriously for half of a year and almost failed the grade(repeating the same year). I enjoyed your article. Hm .. anyway good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt is for you. You write for you and you alone, because you know that *not* writing is a far greater offense. Let go of the outcome and just do. (Easier said than done, of course!)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment on my site. It's amazing how our body manifests our emotions, isn't it?
@Sinley I agree, I hate repeating myself, or added effort, it always makes me question myself and feel more weary than I should. But hopefully this will be a better year for us both academically :D X
ReplyDelete@Alisha, thanks for commenting, I love your blog! And yes, that's been the hardest lesson, accepting that I have to do things that I don't exactly want to do, to get me to the place I dream of. Fun times lol X
wow this post really made me think..
ReplyDeleteI guess you have taken the first step to where you want to be by realizing where you are.
talking about your future flatmates, do not have expectation. i know sometimes we feel like we need to prepare ourselves but most of the time expectation lead to disappointment. I'm pretty sure if you were to have bot so good flatmates, not all of them would be the same. Am pretty you will have at least one person you'll get along well with :)
Look at all this as just a test.. Keep on working hard and before you know it everythiong will be sorted :)
Yes, you best get steering!
ReplyDeleteI feel like towards the end of this post you answered a lot of those questions yourself. I know that people are out for themselves a lot, but what you need to do is what you see best for you and remain optimistic when doing it.