Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Different Song

Alone again.  Naturally.

So I'm 23 now.  I've experienced a fair bit of life, with plenty of good and bad experiences that many my age have not yet and probably will not encounter.  Life takes on patterns and it's up to us to break the pattern if necessary.  However I strongly believe in fate and destiny.  When something continues to happen, or never seems to work out, I take that as a sign.  You either have to ignore it and keep pushing, or take an alternative route.

My entire life I've been a loner.  Despite being friendly and outgoing, I seem to specialise in surrounding myself with acquaintances and none of these develop into caring friendships that survive the wars.  Getting rid of my last attempt at a close friend was the final straw for me.  I don't speak to my old best friends from school, I don't speak to friends from sixth form, and my friends from uni...well read the previous posts.  I have no history or context.  Friendships define you, and mine are starting to speak volumes.

A few days after my birthday, I decided it was time to try something different.  I decided to do it alone.

The thought of being that lonely has always frightened me, especially with the added difficulty of being an only child.  But the friendship thing hasn't worked for me.  I don't think it will.  That's fate and destiny.  And friendships have always restricted me, from choice of clothes, hair, ideas, and even destinations.  I realize that the worst stages of my life were mostly influenced by other people and bad choices in friendships.

Even now I'm wondering, if I've secretly been scared to live my life solely for me.  Chatting to people, when I could have just gone about my business.  Asking people how they were when I could just be getting on with my work and progressing.  Going out with people when I could have been saving money to spend on myself.  But it all seems so clear now.  Of course you have to live for you.  I mean, who else will?


  1. You def. have to live for yourself. I am a firm believer in that. Good friends are hard to come by. I'm thankful for the ones that I have. Keep living and do what makes you happy. ;)

    Always, T

  2. I'm 33, and I can tell you there are precious few people from "school" that I continue to talk to. Once you get to a certain age your life becomes more about you and less about the crowd, or your friends.

    Now my life is all about my wife and daughter. As always, it's nice to read your stuff. I even fired back a response to your last entry in my

  3. @Tarah, Amen to that. I'm slowly drawing my good friends around me, and have quickly cast out negative imputs in my life. Here's hoping for some positive changes for 2012 ^.^ X

    @ The O.A.W, It's easy to refer to someone else's experiences that you will never experience yourself as 'paranoid'. If you want to know how to prevent women from sabotaging other women's efforts, the answer is, as a man, open your eyes and acknowledge what's happening. Men are constantly dismissing female bullying unless it's loud and clear in their eyes. That's why it goes on for so long, because no-one intervenes because it's 'female drama' or a woman over reacting. Men seem to only pay attention when it reaches a climax i.e. a breakdown or a bitch fight. Good luck with the alternative for your daughter, I just hope you are aware that the world plays by different rules.


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