Losing It

It's my birthday today.
In a few days' time I'll probably post happy pictures of a grinning me, like everyone else does, and continue the projected illusion of happiness that so many others force on me.

But right now, I will write truthfully. 

I lost something today.  I lost love.  I thought that there was a possibility of being with someone, and I was informed by fate (in the guise of a person pretending to be my friend) that that would never happen.  He is with someone else, and it is time for me to forget.  I mostly feel empty. 

It's not about being petulant or crying or anything like that.  It's not even about me comparing myself to the girl he is with and thinking why not me.  It's just the fact that even now, there is no scope to dream.  There are no possibilities.  And it is this act, this loss of a dream- which is such a small thing- this loss of a possibility of loving someone that has crawled into my belly and chewed up all sense of well...hope.

What does life want?  Why do we have these dreams, to never live them?  Why do people reach out and touch you only to draw back, and leave you spiralling lonely into cold fields of rejection?  He approached me and yet I remain alone and unwanted.  When will this repeating spiral of events stop and reset? 

When will life be free from the bonds of fate, and will feelings of deep sincerity ever override the Powers That Be's derisive intentions?

I didn't write this entry looking for answers.  Not even to be corrected and told, you're wrong, the right one is out there, just stay strong.  I've been told this my entire life, failed possibility after failed possibility and I say now that it's enough.  It's ok.  I understand.

If it's not meant to happen, it won't.

I just pray for the day that I will stop dreaming, that it will.