Who I Should Have Been

I definitely should have been a magazine editor.  I'm working on a feasibility/design project at uni, and I am heading up my group, working long hours, and somehow I'm ok with it.  I can outline a concept, I can manage group members and so far the outcome is looking good.

So how come I didn't choose this path?  Why didn't I take an English degree, and get on with it?

I should have been a writer.  I can visualise and create new stories in moments, one after the other.  I can give characters voices and varying identities, and I was told, time and time again that I had more than potential I had talent.  

Don't know what I'm doing.

I should have been a dancer.  Fourteen years of ballet, a love and passion for music and the ideal figure regardless of my diet...what was I waiting for?

I should have been a success by now. 

I've sat  and watched several classmates surpass me academically; they've graduated, and are now working entry level positions in their chosen field.  I left uni when I couldn't bear it anymore.  I came back because I wanted to.  I've never and will never care about what anyone thinks of my ability, or my work ethic.  I know what I can do, and that's enough for me. 

I've watched colleagues who even in the most basic of jobs receive further training that lead to promotion, simply by staying in the same job, day in day out.  I couldn't stay; money wasn't enough for that kind of existence.   

Here I am.  The 23 year old undergrad.  Years behind most people, nothing but memories and a drained bank account to show for it.  And I have never really cared.  I think deep down, everyone has a plan.  Sometimes they work out, and sometimes they don't.  A few years ago I wandered around aimlessly, trying to realise what it was I wanted, what I thought I was capable of accomplishing, and the master plan that would transport me from the lost to the found. 

You have to choose your battles.   I spent a long time fighting the wrong ones, and then not fighting any at all.  I tried to be in control, and when that failed, I let everyone else take control.  And suddenly everything came into focus and I knew how it would all play out, knew what I wanted.  I can see all the pieces and I know when to make a move.  It's all about timing really.

And a little patience.