Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Hello February

This is late.

February hasn't been brilliant from the get go.  I found myself in a familiar frustrated state by missing Chinese New Year celebrations, especially as it's my year.  What a disorganised dragon I've become.

Frustration.  Everything good is taking far too long to arrive.  It feels like I can spend months wading through crap, and it's never abated.  It would be fine to deal with if my peers didn't find it all so easy.  I'm overworked and stressed, and they breeze through life's paces.  

I took a week off work, and came to the conclusion, that I need to quit, I just can't afford to.  Bad situation.
Going back is going to be painful.

Uni frustrates me.  Halfway through, and hating every 'lesson' that I'm too old to learn, hating every criticism, hating every assessment.  But I can't return to the working world without a qualification; my current job illustrates the miserable reality I would have to face.

I fancy a guy at uni.  It's a pitiful situation with mixed signals and over analysed situations.  I try to ignore him, he makes an effort to speak to me.  I make an effort to speak to him, I get more mixed signals.  My girl friends tell me to talk to him, my guy friends tell me to leave it.  I have no answers for myself either.

I can't believe that this is what life is.  When I was 16 I really thought that everything was going to fall into place fairly early.  I thought that this teenage awkwardness with friends, men and life in general would go away.  It's just worse.  Because now there are bills.

It doesn't feel like things are going to get better.  I've done all I can, and more.  And it's never enough.  My best isn't good enough, I don't even have a 'best' anymore; I wake up more tired than I felt when I went to sleep.  It's like everything that I'm doing just hasn't been acknowledged yet.  Almost like my happiness is lost somewhere in the post. 



  1. awww, you really need to let go and let GOD fill the voids within your life. I have been there....not that I still don' t get those days but I'm learning to lean MORE to GOD and not ma self, family or friends. They can't solve those inner feelings that ma Lord and Saviour can. I pray that you find strength and direction in ANY and EVERYthing that you do! Blessings to you. *smile*

  2. I really enjoy reading your posts! I'm not sure if you've received it before but i've awarded you the Kreativ blog award. Check it out on my blog when you have the time :)
    Rebecca x

  3. I completely understand what you mean! When you're younger you feel like you will have things sorted out by now! I don't think we ever will, I guess it's more about learning to accept and adapt to life, and making things happen bit by bit.. at least that's what I tell myself!
    Also, with the guy I would say go for it, I spent my first 2 years of uni liking this guy and when he finally found out he didn't feel the same at all, which is fair enough, but I can't help thinking how much time I wasted thinking about him when I could have moved on!
    ps, do you have twitter??


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