Sunday, February 26, 2012

What I Want To Do

I haven't blogged for a few weeks, because things have not been going well this month.  I was sick, with tonsilitis for about two weeks.  I fell behind in my uni studies.  And I came this close to giving a week's notice at my job. 

This is, in essence, a mess.
Every day I wake up, and I do something that I don't want to do.  I wake up angry.  Infuriated by my own situation.

I am reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  Whilst it's an amazing book, and far superior to the film, the more I read, the more I feel a connection to one of the protagonists, Skeeter, an awkward 23 year old who wishes to be a writer.

That is all I wish for.  All that I want.  I don't want to continue my studies at university any more.  I want to read, and write, and discuss literature with like minded individuals.  I want to travel, and see, and describe.  I want to search for a form of truth that has been missing from the world and more importantly, my own life and I want to share it.

I am suffering now, because of my own weakness.  When I was sixteen, I pursued a career within the field of design, because I knew that finding a career in the literary world would be difficult.  Challenging. But isn't everything?  Because of my own lack of belief, I've been miserable for five years, pursuing this career that I don't even look forward to attaining.  Yes, yes it's life experience.

Unwelcome life experience.

I just don't see what I want to see, when I open my eyes.  Surely I can do something to change this.  Several of my friends are signing up to Erasmus courses next year, and will be studying in Europe, while I remain in the UK, not even in London, toiling away at this degree I don't particularly want anymore.  One of my friends asked me if I'd consider going abroad next year and the words stopped before I could even form them: I forgot that I'd signed up for a Creative Writing Diploma for the next two years effective from this September.

How could I forget that?  It feels like I'm forgetting who I am.  Feels like I'm going to roll out of bed one morning, look in the mirror and not know the woman who stares back at me.

I know that I have to fight this.  I'm wondering if there is enough time left, and whether I have the guts to do what needs to be done.  


  1. Your blog is always SO INSPIRING and MOTIVATIONAL. Your words surely reach me. :)

  2. well i've been reading you for a while and i know you definitely have the guts to get where you want to be. you are really strong and i admire that about you.. i think if you're not enjoying what you are doing you should definitely change becaus it wont be different soon. but you have to think really clearly about your options and the future outcome.. for example the money part, as in investing in your current degree now that you dont like.. or stopping your course now which i dont think would have a good look on your CV though you'd have a good excuse (stopping something you dont like to focus on something you love).. i'm not sure how it works but maybe you could try finding writers competitions stuff and subscribe there and test your skills.. from your blog i 'd say you are a pretty good writer.. look at me i suck :P
    I know its easier said than done.. but i really hope something comes up soon.. stay positive :)


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