Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Hello March

March is tough!

Sooo many deadlines and responsibilities and work.  I'm tired, but not beaten.  As much as I detest the cycle of my course at uni, I don't display weakness.  Even when I get poor grades, I let them wash over me, distantly.  They haven't crushed me yet.

The guy I've been in deep-like with asked me to go clubbing with him next week.  I'm not going to hum and hah about it, or even think about whether this counts as a date or not.  I expect that by the time next week comes he would have forgotten about it, or worse the invitation will be extended to someone else.  As is life.  It doesn't help that we study together, or that everyone knows us (and will know about anything happening between us).

I'd find it so much easier to walk away from this situation; I normally do.  I don't like feeling vulnerable, and sitting around thinking about someone.  I've always had to rely on myself, and when things go bad, pick up the pieces by myself.  The last time things went bad, I couldn't get out of bed.  I cried for months, and was mute for months.  It took years to shake that depression.

But no matter how many times I remember that misery, when I see this guy that I've liked for a whole year I just think, well, why can't this one work?

Either way, going for it has to be better than having imaginary relationships with him in my head.

I'd love to stop living in my head.  Feels like I've been doing it forever.  Waiting forever.

I'm desperate to go on holiday this year, but I just don't think it will happen, if I really expect to get a car too.  But if I could, I'd love to go to New York City.  Or Rome.  The Canary Islands.  The Isle of Wight? Anywhere.  Feels like I never leave England.

March seems to be the month where my dreams face reality.  And right now reality is no joy ride.



  1. being hurt can put you in such a funk that you once you finally break from it, you don't want to ever go back to it again. I've been there. I was in love and got married thought I had the one then less than two years later he up and goodbye's not talking about it just left! I went months on the defense...hurting, crying building walls...never to want to be hurt like that again. eventually, GOD put someone in ma life that came along towards the ending of me rebuilding from ma heartbreak. I didnt' want to take that chance...afraid of wasting ma time to be hurt yet again. but I prayed and kept ma faith and trust in Christ Jesus. He blessed me with a paitient loving man. one that loves me even more throught ma worst times. what I'm saying is, if I didn't take that leap of faith and just get back out there I would have missed out on a GREAT guy! I'm not saying that this new guy will be the one but if you don't put yourself out there you will never know. life is full of ups and downs...even tho we tend to find it easier to just be alone to ourselves...not having to deal with the extra of opening our hearts and selves up to someone who we think might be the one to hurt us again. but the bigger picture is that we are being selfish. instead of opening up our hearts we tend to want to keep it to ourselves but you can't really experience love if you don't open yourself up so that you can recieve that extra love and affection that you can't get from just loving yourself. being loved by someone exceeds in expectations of just loving yourself....blessings to you in this Month of March. *smile*

  2. @ MzE

    thank you for your comment :) I don't know, I will take each day as it comes I think. Never thought of keeping love to oneself as selfish, but you have got a point. After getting my heart pretty bent out of shape, I found the idea of allowing that type of hurt too awful to bear and have always done my best to avoid it. But now I think I'm tired of that so I will just have to see how much I can take this time. Taking a leap of faith is much harder than it used to be for me :) xxx

  3. While I can appreciate the post, the picture is actually a very nice capture.


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