and then you surprise yourself

Yesterday I shouted at a customer.  

That's not what surprised me.  It's no secret that I have an attitude.  I wouldn't call it rude.  It's feisty.  I've been cussing people out before I could walk, and it's a natural defence.  But in recent years, I've toned it down.  I do my best to avoid debates, and arguments.  Because I enter them with the sole purpose to win.  I can't stand losing.  

That's why I don't try as hard as I could at university.  Because I'm not winning, so rather than try and fail, I've just let myself fail, and let that competitive element in me slide away.  This disappoints me.  When I was younger I really believed that I could get whatever I want.  A good job, first place, top grades, even a man, I just knew that Impossible had no place in my life.

What surprised me yesterday was the unchained rage and clarity that pulsed through me as I shouted at this man.  He attempted to bark orders at me, and even tried to report me to a manager.  I told him that if he ever spoke to me again, he'd be meeting me outside.  Even as he attempted to belittle me with ignorant comments, my voice, my reason, and my anger overrode him.  I threatened him with security and the little man ran away.  When my manager tried to question me, I didn't even attempt to explain myself.  I didn't need to.  Two customers who were witness to the incident, actually defended me and proved that there are still decent people out there.  

It saddens me though.  This sedation that we allow ourselves to fall under, in order to settle in adult life.  You can't fight everyday.  It drains you.  You appear unhinged.  You don't want to be labeled as the "Angry Black Woman".  Silence, and a smile, and concise sentences become your only tools.  You can't get far with these, in the wrong environment.  You get walked over.  Sometimes you have to CRASH into people, for them to hear you, for them to really see you.  Sometimes words, just aren't enough. 

My previous post was about losing out on a guy.  In fact the same one I briefly mentioned before.  A girl that I used to be friends with is vying for him, and I was particularly upset with her actions the day I wrote that post.   I've never competed for a guy (and never will)  but actually trying to tell him that I want him is particularly difficult.  The vulnerability is overwhelming, and I have preferred to walk away than try.  

Until waking up from the sedation. 

I went out clubbing with this guy the other night.  It was completely unplanned, and I just did it.  We hugged a lot.  He suggested that we hang out some time this week before we break up for uni. 

Now what.