Monday, April 09, 2012

Hello April

I've finally broken up for Easter. I have no more classes, and just exams, hand ins, and paper work. 

I hate university. I don't want to go back. I want to run away, and never look back. I want to burn all memories, and walk away in barren wasteland and forget all dreams and aspirations, all empty stupid wishes I ever possessed.  I want to scream at everyone, who ever dared know me and demand, where were you when I needed you.

I Kamillah want to be nothing.  I am nothing.  Nothing but debt ridden, and alone.  

It's 5 am Tuesday 10th April.  I have a deadline for a competition.  To enter it, I have to write 1800 words, and post it all off in a few hours.  Have written nothing.

Why do I suck like this.  Jeez.  I used to be good at writing.  Even writing makes me tired.  It's like my time is coming to an end.  I need to discover a new talent.  A new calling.  Writing doesn't call me.  The words have died on the wind, like a warrior with broken and burnt fingers I can't wield a weapon, I can't see the metaphors, can't find the similes, just locked in this black web of misery.  Just blind in this web.  

Help me write.  Help me find.  Help me see.

Just can't reach.

April can go sit on a pin.  

This is deterioration.  I'm never going to escape this.  The debt, a financial manifestation of all my previous mistakes is overcoming me.  I'm drowning in it.  Can't get out.  No one can help.  Nothing changes.  Every day is the same day, the same day it's the same blasted day.  When I think I'm about to surface, another letter materialises and leaves me exactly where I was 6 months ago.  The job is killing me.  They own me.  I can't quit.  I can't take holiday.  I can't live.  I am living an archaic life in 2012, and no-one can hear me.  

My life is a lie.  A dirty trick.  Some of my male friends have tried to help.  One in particular, has tried. I would love him if he didn't belong to someone else.  He reached out, and for a moment, I seized his hand, miserable and frightened, and he held on.  But I have to let go now.  He can't sink with me.  I have to survive, without his assistance.  But if I could have it...I would.  

No more rambling.  Just work.  

I was looking forward to summer, but there will be no summer.  Just rain.  


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