Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Losing Gracefully

It's been months.  Months since I felt like myself, and today isn't that day.

I cried for hours last night, cried, and then rocked myself to sleep because no one else would.

When I started this blog, I was coming from a bad place.  I had become a recluse, after 2 years of failure and humiliation.  I decided to give my rejoining of society my all.  All or nothing.  I knew then that it was make or break.  

But somewhere under the surface of the weak bravado, the dilapidated pride and useless tenacity I knew that I couldn't really do it.  

I've pretty much failed university.  For the second time.  And in a few weeks, I'm going to have some university administrator tell me my fate.  Tell me that I can't carry on with my course, graduate with my course mates, or return to the poor existence that has become my life.  Tell me that I've wasted 2 years and about £15,000. 

The worst part, the sorriest part, is that I did it to myself.  I take full responsibility.  I prioritised the wrong,trivial things, such as paying off debts and sorting out my life, rather than cherishing the one real opportunity given to me: a second chance.

What hurts the most, is thinking about loss.  Failing is one thing, but the art of losing is one I've never learnt to accept. I think about lost experiences, lost trips, lost friendships, and even in some subdued corner of my mind, lost love.  I will never experience these lost possibilities, these hushed thoughts.  And when I think of him forgetting me, and moving on, or worse pitying me I shake and shatter and curse this irrevocable existence.

This may be the end of the chapter.  Sometimes, there's no road back home.  


  1. im so sorry what has happen to you. The only way to go now is up, learn from your mistakes and keep pushing never give up!!!! Everyone makes mistake dont dwell on the " should of would of could of" because your not going to get anywhere.

    Pray and continue to pushing yourself, there is only one way to go and that is up.

  2. I am so sorry to what has happened to you. Everything is well that end's well...I believe that's true.It is too early to end your story. Never underestimate your ability to change things. You are an ambitious woman. Your personal hardship can definitely help you grow... and give you the foundation for career and life success...I think so. Hang in there.

  3. @Keshawna-Renee Hi, thanks for your comment, sorry for late reply. You're so right, I'm doing my best to move forward, right now it's difficult during this interim period, but yes, the only way is forward. XX

    @Sinley, thanks for your comment darling! Trying to hang in there, it's just so frustrating being in the same place, over and over, but I think things are about to change, for the better. XX


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