Sunday, September 16, 2012


Two people I went to uni with have died within a week of each other.

They were both the same age as me.

One died in a fire.  The other committed suicide.

I feel as if my world is rocking on its axis, like something colossal is about to happen, and every night I lie awake in fear, because I have no idea what it is.  When someone you know dies too soon, your perspective on life can shift.  As the people I know were my age, somehow their deaths made a mockery of the pain of my existence.  One was a graduate from my course.  She had everything I wanted out of life: the beginnings of a career, a boyfriend who loved her dearly, a loving family and genuine happiness.  And then she died.  

The other did what I lack the courage to do; he took his own life.  However the irreversible action he took has robbed me of all sense of escape and freedom that suicide once evoked in me.  When I think of him, I am genuinely upset that I will never see him again.  I won't be able to speak to him again.  He is frozen in his youth, in death, and he won't age, it's all over. Forever.

So often I have thought that death and an end to suffering is what I wanted.  Now I don't know what I want.

But there's something about the word forever that frightens me.  And I see now that I must do something.  Soon.  There doesn't seem to be much time.

Rest In Peace

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Gritted Teeth

Gritted Teeth
So I have to resit half of second year.   *Pause* Moments like this call for one thing. I'm trying my best to be really brave, and shake...

Saturday, September 01, 2012

September Showdown

September Showdown
Things are going to get a little different. I think this is what people call 'growing'.  I call it humiliation.  I have three weeks....
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