Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Gritted Teeth

So I have to resit half of second year.  

*Pause*

Moments like this call for one thing.


I'm trying my best to be really brave, and shake it off and not care.  Staying back in the countryside where I have zero friends, no job, and no real life has made me want to go back to uni, regardless.  I couldn't quit and most importantly don't want to quit.  

However, that impending feeling of humiliation and being left out is hovering over me, and I know there will be a few months where I have to endure that.  But I enrolled on my Creative Writing Course last week.  omggggg.  I'm scared of that too, but in a good way.  

I'm slowly, and very tentatively trying to form a new plan, and new goals, to shake off my own disappointment in myself.  Yes I screwed up.  But I got ill during the year and I did my best to recover quickly.  I just have to hope that I can do better this time around.  But I will. You know why?

Because I'm going to stop being bothered about what people think of me. 

All the time at uni I stay quiet, so that no one will judge me, I wear clothes that I think people will appreciate, I don't speak up in class so as not to be made to feel...what?  I avoid humiliating design crits so that people won't laugh at my work or worse me.  But you know what's really screwed up?  I'm paying for this shit.  Why should I suffer and pay for other people's apparent perception of me?

This time no hand outs.  No toleration.  This time they're going to get all of me, and it's not going to be fun I can assure you of that.  But I'm getting my decent grades.  I'm getting my money's worth.  And all false friends had better fall all the way back.  Anyone who judges me or laughs at my situation is getting cut off.  It's these false friends who observed my downfall that I've been lying awake thinking about.  Their reaction.  

Screw them all.

I can do anything, with gritted teeth. 

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