Things are going to get a little different.
I think this is what people call 'growing'. I call it humiliation. I have three weeks. Three weeks before I have to go back to my job. Three weeks before I go ...back to uni...possibly. Three weeks before I make some really painful decisions. Three weeks before my life changes to either crud, humiliating, or some real basic shit.
I'm going to be honest: I don't want to re-sit the year. I used to be an A grade student, and humiliation like this is more than hard to swallow. I see no silver lining to graduating a year after everyone else. And even though I have a few friends who've had to re-sit years at university, that I've been supportive of, I can tell you, I wasn't being supportive in order to go through the ordeal myself. It is killing me because it's not progression. It's regression.
I thought my chapter of regression was over, but clearly not.
It's like eating rocks. I can't quit uni. And I've seriously considered quitting. But I can't. It may be too late to change course too. But every time I think about redoing the year, I start to hyperventilate.
Will I still be able to talk to my friends? Or every time they mention something they're learning in new modules will I get embarrassed and want to leave? Will they give me awkward but smug smiles? Will I regret staying? What if I fail again?
What really kills me is that this course was only supposed to be a means to an end. I should be focused on writing; this was just supposed to be the day job. But I'm starting to see that that is the root of the problem. I truly enjoy writing, and reading. And I deny myself that by attending university and studying a design course. I was a coward for doubting my writing ability. And now I'm paying the price.
I'm preparing to face my three week trials. I can't promise anything. Hey September.
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