Saturday, September 01, 2012

September Showdown

Things are going to get a little different.

I think this is what people call 'growing'.  I call it humiliation.  I have three weeks.  Three weeks before I have to go back to my job.  Three weeks before I go ...back to uni...possibly.  Three weeks before I make some really painful decisions.  Three weeks before my life changes to either crud, humiliating, or some real basic shit.

I'm going to be honest: I don't want to re-sit the year.  I used to be an A grade student, and humiliation like this is more than hard to swallow.  I see no silver lining to graduating a year after everyone else.  And even though I have a few friends who've had to re-sit years at university, that I've been supportive of, I can tell you, I wasn't being supportive in order to go through the ordeal myself.  It is killing me because it's not progression.  It's regression.  

I thought my chapter of regression was over, but clearly not.  

It's like eating rocks.  I can't quit uni.  And I've seriously considered quitting.  But I can't.  It may be too late to change course too.  But every time I think about redoing the year, I start to hyperventilate.  

Will I still be able to talk to my friends? Or every time they mention something they're learning in new modules will I get embarrassed and want to leave?  Will they give me awkward but smug smiles?  Will I regret staying? What if I fail again?

What really kills me is that this course was only supposed to be a means to an end.  I should be focused on writing; this was just supposed to be the day job.  But I'm starting to see that that is the root of the problem.  I truly enjoy writing, and reading.  And I deny myself that by attending university and studying a design course.  I was a coward for doubting my writing ability.  And now I'm paying the price.  

I'm preparing to face my three week trials.  I can't promise anything.  Hey September.  

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