Monday, December 16, 2013

A Quick Word

The word busy doesn't even come to mind.  
The word is...

25

I am 25.  I turned 25 over a month ago and a lot of things shifted in my mind.  I officially became a no bullshit-it's-really-happening-now adult.  

I moved city.  
I had a small party.
And I moved from a great studio, into a tiny room.  A tiny room burdened with my belongings and an overarching question of responsibility.

Yes.  It's time to take responsibility for my actions, and to fix my life.  Properly.  100% dedication.  

All of my fears and insecurities, have brought me here.  Yet all of my strength and determination has kept me here.  

I started reading again...properly.  A whole book in 3 days or less like I used to when I was young.  I don't talk to many people either, but that's a price, no a sacrifice that is required to succeed.  I am not afraid of being alone, because I am alone.  

I'm still at both universities.  My writing course finishes this June though, and...I'm not ready to let it go just yet.  I still have so much to learn I think.  I still have so much to do before I can really write.  I submitted an assignment this year, the mark was 68.  2 marks away from that 70,  that Distinction grade I crave.  But there's still time.  We have 5 assignments left, there's still time.

Changing course at my other full time uni was difficult [really difficult], but possibly the reality check I needed.  I cannot be successful, when all of my attempts are so lack lustre.  I became complacent, and that was my own fault.  I take responsibility.

Now, there is only the road ahead, and it might be a bit rocky, but I can see it.  So very clearly.  

Right now I'm mostly focused on getting my finances back in order, passing this year of full time uni as quickly as possible, and considering the next step.  I'm focused on me not my friends, not the men in my life.  Just me.  I have health matters to sort out, a few operations I'd like done by the beginning of the year, and who knows I might start some other plans.  

But the plans are mine.  Sometimes, the terror would set in, terror and impatience, and I would be frightened and incapable of action.  And I would let myself down.  Now I know there's no point in the fear.  I'm 25.  It's all happened now.  There's only forward.  There's only my plan.  There's only my responsibility.

There's only me.





My 25th Birthday :) 

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Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Listless

Listless
I'm not here.  And I'm not there. I changed course at university.  I gave up the fight, the battle, and possibly even lost a war.  A...
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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

shell shockkK

shell shockkK
The dream is over. I failed my resits. What comes now...I don't know. I just know that I've had enough. And there is silence and I c...
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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Alone and Strong

Alone and Strong
I'm at uni today.   In the library.  There's hardly anyone here.  It's the middle of some kind of July UK heatwave, and for the ...
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Saturday, July 06, 2013

The Climb

The Climb
It's July. And I'm running out of time.  I'm always out of time. I have exams and deadlines.  Coursework.  Life deadlines.  I wa...
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Sunday, May 19, 2013

Small Victories

Small Victories
I got my mark back for my most recent prose submission.   66/100 .  Another 2:1 but not a distinction.  I have two more opportunities to get...
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Sunday, May 12, 2013

Don't Try Me

Don't Try Me
I returned to my writing class today.  We had a special Sunday class, where we discussed drama.   Almost everyone was happy to see me, and I...
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Sunday, April 14, 2013

The Things You're Not Supposed to Say

The Things You're Not Supposed to Say
Every now and then I have a recurring thought.  I never record it though, not publicly because there are things that as a normal member of s...
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Sunday, April 07, 2013

The Struggle

The Struggle
Once again, I'm immersed in conflict. I feel like if I could just reach  some form of success again, a greater understanding of who I re...
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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

And then we shift

And then we shift
I entered a writing competition last night.  The Mslexia Short Story Competition.  *gasp I actually shared something...* It's a reworked...
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Monday, February 25, 2013

The Re-emergence of Crazy

The Re-emergence of Crazy
Here we go again. It's about that time.  Deadlines everywhere.  Opportunities everywhere.  The likelihood of screwing everything up is h...
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Monday, February 11, 2013

Can't Get Right

Can't Get Right
I just can't get there. I've tried everything.  I've tried positive thinking, negative thinking and pragmatic thinking.  I just ...
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Saturday, February 02, 2013

Poetry Update

Poetry Update
So I got 62 for my poetry assignment.  It's a low 2:1!! I'm very pleased with that...of course now I'd like to improve it, and a...
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Monday, January 28, 2013

Into Poetry

Into Poetry
I don't really consider myself a poet.  I appreciate poetry, but most of the time, I find writing a poem similar to being trapped in a s...
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Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Hunger

The Hunger
Oh man I am going to quit my job. I'm going to quit.  Yes, I'm going to quit. I know a lot of people say they hate their job.  A lot...
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Sunday, January 06, 2013

Take Off x

Take Off x
A world without Bird by kendy
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