Monday, February 11, 2013

Can't Get Right

I just can't get there.

I've tried everything.  I've tried positive thinking, negative thinking and pragmatic thinking.  I just can't get right, no matter how hard I try, I oversleep, I'm late, I get bad marks, I just can't do this day to day life.  I can't get anything the way I want it, and every day is a mistake.  Everything I endeavour to achieve still amounts to nothing.

I sit in my expensive flat, and nothing gets done except sleeping, eating, watching countless shows on repeat, and then a cleaning marathon to convince myself I've done something with my life.  I go to the gym now, but so what?  Even though my body looks good...I don't care.  It's all part of this pointless cycle that I call 'Being Kamillah'.

I enter writing competitions.  I don't win.  I run into brick walls, every day.  Sometimes I just want to run straight off a bridge and forget about this pointless endeavour.  Sometimes I want to punch the living daylights out of a person who brushes past me on the street.  I feel like a ticking time bomb, and I just...can't get right.  

Nothing alleviates these feelings.  

I continue this stupid single life bullshit.  Is it like Sex and the City?  The sex comes at a price and the city I live in will never be New York.  There's no real fun and even when there's a moment it's snatched away with new disappointments and frustrations, the re-emergence of ex lovers and rage.  

Every day I catch myself muttering a mantra.  On really bad days it gets stuck in throat, and I have to shout the words out loud.

Breathe.

Believe.

Achieve.  

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