I just can't get there.
I've tried everything. I've tried positive thinking, negative thinking and pragmatic thinking. I just can't get right, no matter how hard I try, I oversleep, I'm late, I get bad marks, I just can't do this day to day life. I can't get anything the way I want it, and every day is a mistake. Everything I endeavour to achieve still amounts to nothing.
I sit in my expensive flat, and nothing gets done except sleeping, eating, watching countless shows on repeat, and then a cleaning marathon to convince myself I've done something with my life. I go to the gym now, but so what? Even though my body looks good...I don't care. It's all part of this pointless cycle that I call 'Being Kamillah'.
I enter writing competitions. I don't win. I run into brick walls, every day. Sometimes I just want to run straight off a bridge and forget about this pointless endeavour. Sometimes I want to punch the living daylights out of a person who brushes past me on the street. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and I just...can't get right.
Nothing alleviates these feelings.
I continue this stupid single life bullshit. Is it like Sex and the City? The sex comes at a price and the city I live in will never be New York. There's no real fun and even when there's a moment it's snatched away with new disappointments and frustrations, the re-emergence of ex lovers and rage.
Every day I catch myself muttering a mantra. On really bad days it gets stuck in throat, and I have to shout the words out loud.
Breathe.
Believe.
Achieve.
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