Sunday, April 07, 2013

The Struggle

Once again, I'm immersed in conflict.

I feel like if I could just reach some form of success again, a greater understanding of who I really am could be found, and I would have the courage to be me again.  

I mean, I'm even confused by that last statement.  Be me again.  Who am I now?  Am I not myself?  I guess I used to have this amazing confidence of who I was as a person, a young woman.  But if life were a game of stepping stones, I feel that I slipped and missed the stepping stone from late adolescence and young adulthood.  Instead, I feel moored between real development and the past.

I've been spending a lot of time alone recently.  I don't really want to speak to my friends right now, because it's deadline time and I don't want any distractions.  No excuses.  I'm trying to reach back to my roots, which was a lonely existence as an only child, with only a single parent, and a room full of books as company.  

I'm not sure if it's helping though.

I don't have time to read...well I don't feel that I do, as I feel guilty picking up a book knowing I should be writing my dissertation.  

I feel like my life is a tug of war between different vocations, different situations...different moments.  I finally found the opportunity to join a writing class, and write with a tutor's help and instead...I want to break 'free' again and just escape.  I'm in a competitive course to design and plan for the country and I just want to escape.  Between these two vocational choices, and my very real part time job that robs me of my time and dignity, I don't know who I am or what I even want.

I've spent this Sunday walking around in town, buying clothes, and beauty products.  I want to create a change in me and around me so powerful that everyone will sit up and pay attention and realise...that the real me is back and the chapter of terrible mistakes and hushed thoughts and dismissal is finally over.

But till next time...back to work I guess.

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