Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Alone and Strong

I'm at uni today.
 
In the library.  There's hardly anyone here.  It's the middle of some kind of July UK heatwave, and for the first time in a long time, I'm sat here, in the library and feeling like I know who I am.
 
I'm someone who has failed for so long, that now there's nothing left to do but succeed.  I'm tired of mediocre grades, of feeling inadequate compared to my classmates, I'm tired of being embarrassed to say what I do in my day to day life.  Instead, I'm ready to be me,
 
ALL of me.
 
And that might mean being alone.  That might mean being seen as a loser.  And that might even mean having only two friends.  That might mean going on holidays alone.  That might mean having dinner alone.  It might mean no cool instagram photos, no facebook likes, no tagged statuses and no friendship bracelets.
 
But you know something I learnt on my writer's course this past week?   Writers spend a lot of time alone.  And all this time I've been fighting to keep friends and been angry in my solitude.  I've been frustrated with other people's seemingly vibrant lives and have lost sight of my truth.
 
All I have ever needed is solitude. 
 
I've been so scared of facing myself that I've buried my most powerful assett- my mind- in others' non-sensical noise.  And I think it's the uneccessary interaction that makes me doubt myself, its those other voices that interrupt mine and stop me from forming words in a hesistant tongue.
 
All this time I've believed that I'm not scared of anything or anyone.  I was wrong.  I have been scared of myself since the age of 18 and everything has since fallen apart. 
 
But suddenly, everything seems so clear it's almost laughable.  Everything is crystal clear.  I know exactly what I need to do, and even how to do it. 
 
But I wonder if I am scared...still.  I wonder if those insecurities will worm their way in again as they did before.  My insecurities come with interaction, and right now there is no interaction and I feel capable.  Should I stop talking to everyone in order to feel like myself again?  Should I utilise the time I have alone and work harder than I ever have and remember this lesson?
 
If only this feeling of capability could be extended forever. 
 
 
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