Monday, December 16, 2013

A Quick Word

The word busy doesn't even come to mind.  
The word is...


I am 25.  I turned 25 over a month ago and a lot of things shifted in my mind.  I officially became a no bullshit-it's-really-happening-now adult.  

I moved city.  
I had a small party.
And I moved from a great studio, into a tiny room.  A tiny room burdened with my belongings and an overarching question of responsibility.

Yes.  It's time to take responsibility for my actions, and to fix my life.  Properly.  100% dedication.  

All of my fears and insecurities, have brought me here.  Yet all of my strength and determination has kept me here.  

I started reading again...properly.  A whole book in 3 days or less like I used to when I was young.  I don't talk to many people either, but that's a price, no a sacrifice that is required to succeed.  I am not afraid of being alone, because I am alone.  

I'm still at both universities.  My writing course finishes this June though, and...I'm not ready to let it go just yet.  I still have so much to learn I think.  I still have so much to do before I can really write.  I submitted an assignment this year, the mark was 68.  2 marks away from that 70,  that Distinction grade I crave.  But there's still time.  We have 5 assignments left, there's still time.

Changing course at my other full time uni was difficult [really difficult], but possibly the reality check I needed.  I cannot be successful, when all of my attempts are so lack lustre.  I became complacent, and that was my own fault.  I take responsibility.

Now, there is only the road ahead, and it might be a bit rocky, but I can see it.  So very clearly.  

Right now I'm mostly focused on getting my finances back in order, passing this year of full time uni as quickly as possible, and considering the next step.  I'm focused on me not my friends, not the men in my life.  Just me.  I have health matters to sort out, a few operations I'd like done by the beginning of the year, and who knows I might start some other plans.  

But the plans are mine.  Sometimes, the terror would set in, terror and impatience, and I would be frightened and incapable of action.  And I would let myself down.  Now I know there's no point in the fear.  I'm 25.  It's all happened now.  There's only forward.  There's only my plan.  There's only my responsibility.

There's only me.

My 25th Birthday :) 


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