Monday, December 29, 2014

And on. And on.

It was never going to be easy.

I should have known that.  I should have known it before I got to know myself.

I know it now.  It's never going to be easy.  Not ever.

Right now everything in my life consists of too many tasks for me to do, and not enough time to do them.

I've decided to have 3 goals for 2015 and call it a day. 


Goal #1: Take refresher driving lessons + Buy.  A.  Car. 

Goal #2: Get something published.  A novel.  A short story.  A haiku.  Anything.  

Goal #3: Finish Degree #1. Finish Masters #1.


From about 2012 to 2014 was the worst most trying period of my life.  I thought my time back home isolated in the countryside was bad, but this time has been worse, because I have been pushed, stretched and tortured by my life.  I have been sacked twice, I have endured god awful jobs, been subjected to hatred, contempt and racism, I have had all of my dreams and initial aspirations torn apart, and every shred of optimism driven from me.

I turned 26 without any real dreams left.  I watched as all of my old classmates passed university, acquired dream jobs, purchased houses, got engaged, had babies, and even wed.

I had to watch it all.  Their elation and my deprivation.

And so really, what can I hope for in 2015?

I read my yearly horoscope and it seemed so accurate about everything that's been going on with my life, and promised real change and happiness for next year that I almost, let myself hope and believe and wish.

I do think things are getting better.

But maybe better will never be right, and I don't know if I'll ever be the happy person I used to be, let alone the optimistic but sarcastic girl I used to be.  Life can change us, and I have been worn down with a tenacious tide into a woman who no longer hopes to dream.  

A woman who doesn't dare to dream.

I have been knocked down so many times, and I have got back up each and every time.  But each time I got back up, my knees wobbled, almost buckled.

I feel a few more years away from being done.  

A few years away from wanting a quiet room with a view of the sea and sand.  I feel myself slipping from this way of life, content to know the secret: that some of us can have our dreams come true, whilst some of us can only watch as others' do.

Of course it hurts.  It did hurt.  And there are days when it still hurts, when I still suffer and wish that I could wish, and dream and hope and desire.  Wish that for once life would actually measure up to life's expectations.    Wish that I would stop wishing for everything I don't have and be grateful for what I do have.  

But it doesn't work.  Not for me.

Sometimes the path seems so clear I can see it.  I can't say what the path is; the magic will be lost there.  But I can see it, I can feel it, and I have always known it.

I am supposed to be a writer.  I am supposed to do something amazing.

Whether I do or not, is simply a variable result of my existence.  I no longer expect.  I no longer hope.  

I just try and do.  The words and the pain and the questions, just go on, and on and on.

And I keep writing, trying to find the answer.

2015, please...maybe...be easy on me.  Be easy on me.  
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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Wobble

Wobble
I'd found myself in a new existence, I found myself transferred into this Better Life, not great, not yet, but ten times better than it ...
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Tuesday, December 02, 2014

The Road Gets Smoother

The Road Gets Smoother
Almost made it to the end of first semester. It has been difficult.  I attend two universities and have two jobs. I've had little time t...
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Monday, November 17, 2014

Looking for an Out

Looking for an Out
I want out. My 26th Birthday highlighted something else to me.  I am still alone, which means it's time to leave, it's time to move,...
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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

More Sacrifice

More Sacrifice
Today I sold my DSLR camera, so that I could survive the next few weeks. I've sold loads of things in the past.  I've sold two of my...
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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Surviving October

Surviving October
Autumn, is a crucial and tough month.  This is the time, where the harrowed nights, and restless slumber should take place.  Late nights ful...
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Monday, October 06, 2014

Paying the Price

Paying the Price
Sometimes, I wonder where good fortune actually comes from. Growing up, I'd been a devout Christian.  I'd prayed every night, I did ...
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Monday, October 06, 2014

Writing and Stress

Writing and Stress
I am struggling with writing.  More than I have ever struggled before. I was given a simple assignment last Tuesday from one of my MA classe...
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Friday, September 12, 2014

And things seemed to be going so well

And things seemed to be going so well
With every positive, a nasty negative seems to be laying in wait round the corner. My uni won't let me register until some arbitrary dat...
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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Rise

Rise
I registered for the MA in Creative Writing today.  I managed to get a new payment plan sorted out, so hopefully I won't be made bankrup...
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Sunday, September 07, 2014

3am

3am
It's 3am in the morning.  I can't sleep. This is the last week I have before my resit results come out, and my student loan goes in....
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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Reincarnation

Reincarnation
I've lived this life too long, and I'm ready to step out of it.  As if I could pull it off, toss it in a recycling bin, and pull on ...
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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Fundamental Doubts

Fundamental Doubts
I've had a new doubt- a fundamental doubt- emerge in me. I'm not sure that I want to do the MA in Creative Writing. Ah. Can you beli...
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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Someone Up There Hates Me

Someone Up There Hates Me
Still can't get right. When it comes to assignments for 'real uni' I just can't get my shit together. Despite changing cours...
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Friday, August 01, 2014

Choices

Choices
The end of July was highly unpleasant. I was made redundant/sacked/screwed by the restaurant. It kind of confirmed why I've never gone f...
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Wednesday, July 09, 2014

An Update

An Update
So I moved into my new flat last Friday. After the first few hours of happiness, it was back down to worries and worse, poverty. This has be...
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Wednesday, July 02, 2014

All I Have to Do is...

All I Have to Do is...
That's been my mantra all of June, and now the beginning of July.  Life, real life and progression, can sweep you off your feet.  For t...
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Friday, June 27, 2014

Priorities

Priorities
I allowed life's priorities, to ruin my dream. My portfolio submission was due yesterday, and I missed the deadline, thanks to my new jo...
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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Green Light

Green Light
Last week I got a green light on the apartment.  Felt amazing.  Felt amazing for approximately a day, and then came all the worries, and the...
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