Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Try

This week, I have tried.

I pulled myself out of my comfort zone, and I made myself 'do' instead of 'think'.

But doing is terrifying.  There's just the surrender of yourself, your hopes...I feel like this week, I gave the world my dreams, and I'm not sure what I'm going to get back.

My creative writing course is going to finish in June.  I'm terrified.  Whilst living in the South West my writing course as well as my part time job, have been my anchors.  I have grudgingly maintained my attendance on the writing course, and travelled miles every week with the strained determination of a writer who only has a few choices before her life is whittled away to a 9-5 and package holidays to Spain every 2 years.  

I hate my part time job with a passion but I have remained faithful to it, and kept it, and it has kept me afloat, and in some ways, kept me stable and studying when I may have quit.  I have learnt to tolerate those I work with, found a few favourites in some, and found stability in the cycle that is routine.  

On Monday, I had a job interview, for a job that I would actually like to work.  It doesn't have the best pay, or the best benefits, but it would be the first step up to an area I would actually like to work and grow in.  Apparently the interview went well, and I should hear back next week.  

Pause number one.  

Today, I had an interview for a Masters course in Creative writing.  You know, with my financial status, the mess that is my life, it would make sense to stop now.  Just take the diploma being given to me with my current writing course, work and pay off debt, and eventually just succumb to whatever life has in store.  But I want to take the Masters of Creative Writing, I have so much more to learn before I'm fully prepared to put my work out there.  I believe that I have what it takes to be a truly accomplished writer, who actually...says something.  Even if it's not pretty or what people want to hear, it's real and it's my truth.  And it does have worth.  

So anyway...I had the interview today.  I don't think it went well.  I'm not sure; I felt that way about my current writing course's interview, and I ended up securing a place as well as deferring for a year.  But no, I'm not convinced this time.  I took a folder full of notes, not quite sure how it would go, but instead found myself discussing my novel idea (no pun intended).  You know a novel is a funny thing, but funnier still is your choice in what to write about.  I could always write about what it is to be a black female in the UK...but I find that so... unappealing.  I want to write something that enables people to escape, but still relate to day to day problems they may face.  I want to write about a real 'you're not going to ever experience it' adventure.  Unfortunately this venture may prove to be a very difficult road to undertake.  For instance what market am I appealing to, who will buy it, who will read it.  I don't know.  I just want to write it.  I want to write it because when I was growing up I couldn't read it anywhere.  

Ahem.  Anyway.  I will hear via email whether I will be offered a place or not.  As much as I want to believe that I will be, I don't think that is the case this occasion.  It frightens me to be so blunt with myself, but I think unfortunately that is the case today.  I've attended auditions for modelling shoots before, where you are given the sympathetic smile and the silent 'no'.  Job interviews with that same wobbly grin and the 'we'll be in touch...circa never.'

Pause number two.

I decided last summer that I wanted to take the Masters in Creative Writing.  I didn't discuss it with anyone because it was a decision that I was making for me.  I started the application for this particular uni in July 2013.  I only got it sent off in March 2014 because I was tired of my own cowardice.  And now that I've submitted the work, and had the interview...well now what?  There's nowhere to go.  Nowhere to hide. 

Just this life that I must live.  I'm waiting to hear from the new job and this uni by the end of next week.  And then...I guess some things might change, some things might not.  All I can say is that I tried. 

And here we are.  




I changed my hair...bright.  Why did I wait till I was 25 to start experimenting with hair dye...
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