Losing Something Special

Today I realised something.

Today I realised that I would have to lose something special, to become...whatever it is that I am becoming.

I realised that I would have to lose a large part of my dream.  And that that part of my dream, would never exist.  And it makes me short of breath thinking about it.  It terrifies me, and makes me want to ball up and cry, but there's no room for that.  And quite honestly no-one cares about that.

Today I realised, that I am more on my own now, than I have ever been in my entire life.  I realised that I have few friends I trust, even fewer I can depend on and that I am relying completely on myself.  And I believe that's what terrifies me, because at the best of times, I would prefer not to rely on myself.  I am slow, I am hard of hearing, and I frustrate myself constantly.

Right now I am trapped in the most awful assessment week at real uni.  More than wanting to quit, I want to quit myself, and my endeavours and run away and be 'a writer'.

'A writer.' What a bullshit term.  

Sometimes I wish that I had desired, or been gifted with some other talent other than writing.  What good is it?  If it means always being alone, and writing and talking to myself, then really, what is the point of this?  I remember why I wasn't brave enough to study English the minute I left school.  It was because the idea of me, an adult, discussing people I had made up, and talking about them as if they were real...THAT being my life seemed all so ludicrous to me.  Like, don't I have anything else to offer, other than stories of what doesn't exist?  

So I ran away from that truth of myself, and instead I lied to myself for years, attempting to be an architect, a designer...someone I'm not.  And now... I am this mess of a woman.  This mess with a sprawling history, who can't seem to find a way forward, just back into the mess, almost being strangled by it.  

We spend our lives wanting things.  Coveting things.  I have coveted for so long, and today I realised that I had to lose something special to me.  Lose sight of a dream, that belonged to me, that I would never fulfil.  It's a dream for someone else's life, and I don't have the skills...to have that dream become a reality.  

It hurts so much I want to give up.  I just want to stop. 

Instead I feel myself being dragged forward.  Being formed into someone that I am not fond of.  Someone, almost foreign.  A shell of a former dream, but hardened by a spiteful reality, and suddenly...complete. 

This.