I allowed life's priorities, to ruin my dream.
My portfolio submission was due yesterday, and I missed the deadline, thanks to my new job, new fatigue, and general involvement in life outside of my laptop.
I feel an awful bitterness. If I submit my work within 24 hours, my marks will be capped by 5%. If I submit with 1-7 days later, it's 10%.
I feel like kicking my feet and having a tantrum. I feel like being sick. I feel disgusted with myself for caring about a stupid mark so much. I feel like quitting. I feel like submitting the coursework and never interacting with the university again. I feel wounded.
It's my own fault yet I'm furious.
Just when I thought I was getting my life, my actual real life together, here comes a new knock.
I'm trying to write it now. But the magic is gone. I can't do deadlines. It's not going to work, it's not going to happen. I don't want to write shit just so that I can meet a 24 hour window. But if I submit it past 2pm today, then that's a whopping 10% of marks lost. Which will be a pill a little too bitter for me to swallow.
But 10% seems to be the penalty. The penalty to (correct?) prioritising. Fucking dreams. What good are they when you're about to render yourself homeless and financially bereft? Should I have turned down my hours of work so that I could write my portfolio assignment just to receive the same blasted mark I've received for every prose assignment (65,66,67,68?). Guess that Distinction mark is never going to come.
I don't know. Just feel sick.
I wish I could push aside my childish desires to do better. But I can't be complacent anymore. I've sacrificed plenty for this stupid course. Finances being the crucial point. That car could have been mine. A lot of debts could be gone too. Instead, here I am, spending my solitary day off work trying to complete this fucking piece of work. All I want to do is get back in bed, take my antibiotics and let my mind drift. Or better still I need to pack. I needed to run errands on my ONE day off. That plan's shot to shit now.
I give up.
