Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Green Light

Last week I got a green light on the apartment. 

Felt amazing.  Felt amazing for approximately a day, and then came all the worries, and the stress.  I now have to magic up a gigantic deposit and first month's rent, and my current tenancy finishes on Monday.  My new tenancy doesn't start till Friday.  


Also my 6000 word portfolio assignment is due tomorrow at 2pm.  It is still not going well despite writing up a 4500 word draft and having tutor feedback on it, I edited down 500 words yesterday so now I'm 2000 words away from completing it.  I have work in about 4 hours too so have no idea how I'm going to get this done.

The real problem is that on some level I don't want to write it.  I'm feeling too heavily influenced by other stories/novels that I admire, and I want my work to have its own voice and spirit really.  

But it has to be done.

Work is another stress.  Somedays I enjoy it, other days I don't.  I know things will be better once I've completed my coursework this week, and moved into my new place next week.  I have crazy debts piling up against me, and I can only start to tackle them in two weeks time.  I haven't read a book in ages, I'm just caught up in the turmoil of coursework, work, and administrative tasks.  

I have too many aspirations right now.  I keep daydreaming about buying property, about moving back to London, what I want to do after I complete the Masters course.  And then my dreams are briskly interrupted by HERE and NOW.  But I'm so happy to be dreaming again.  To not feel so trapped by my own mistakes anymore.  I used to think that I had to live my life by a certain plan.  There was a time that I expected to be married with children by now.  There are several people that I went to school with who now have babies on the way and are engaged. 

I won't lie, I envy their happiness.  The security that they seem to have found.

But something new is emerging in me.  A tentative idea, a stronger dream.  To be something, to mean something...more.  To do something more colossal than just live a life of convenience.  Sometimes when I discuss the idea of my novel, I can see the possibility of real change.  Not just for me.  But for other writers, for actors, for television and film producers, for communities.  And I know that if I can just be brave enough.  Brave enough to walk away from the crowd that I never belonged to, then maybe...things will be ok.  

Better than ok.  

I want to do more than travel.  I want to live in another country, have connections, have different levels of my existence.  I want there to be a real purpose.  To all of it.  To all the pain and past struggle.  I want to achieve something amazing.  

I think I might have finally given myself the green light.  To exceed my potential, seize the blueprint and become something more.  

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