Friday, June 27, 2014


I allowed life's priorities, to ruin my dream.

My portfolio submission was due yesterday, and I missed the deadline, thanks to my new job, new fatigue, and general involvement in life outside of my laptop.

I feel an awful bitterness.  If I submit my work within 24 hours, my marks will be capped by 5%.  If I submit with 1-7 days later, it's 10%.  

I feel like kicking my feet and having a tantrum.  I feel like being sick.  I feel disgusted with myself for caring about a stupid mark so much.  I feel like quitting.  I feel like submitting the coursework and never interacting with the university again.  I feel wounded. 

It's my own fault yet I'm furious.

Just when I thought I was getting my life, my actual real life together, here comes a new knock.  

I'm trying to write it now.  But the magic is gone.  I can't do deadlines.  It's not going to work, it's not going to happen.  I don't want to write shit just so that I can meet a 24 hour window.  But if I submit it past 2pm today, then that's a whopping 10% of marks lost.  Which will be a pill a little too bitter for me to swallow.  

But 10% seems to be the penalty.  The penalty to (correct?) prioritising.  Fucking dreams.  What good are they when you're about to render yourself homeless and financially bereft?  Should I have turned down my hours of work so that I could write my portfolio assignment just to receive the same blasted mark I've received for every prose assignment (65,66,67,68?).  Guess that Distinction mark is never going to come.  

I don't know.  Just feel sick.  

I wish I could push aside my childish desires to do better.  But I can't be complacent anymore.  I've sacrificed plenty for this stupid course.  Finances being the crucial point.  That car could have been mine.  A lot of debts could be gone too.  Instead, here I am, spending my solitary day off work trying to complete this fucking piece of work.  All I want to do is get back in bed, take my antibiotics and let my mind drift.  Or better still I need to pack.  I needed to run errands on my ONE day off.  That plan's shot to shit now.  

I give up.  

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