Choices

The end of July was highly unpleasant.

I was made redundant/sacked/screwed by the restaurant.

It kind of confirmed why I've never gone for a job in catering anyway.  The job has made my life excessively difficult, and has now saddled me with an apartment that I have to finance.  Luckily (mega luckily) my intuition told me to look for another job before I was actually made redundant.  I managed to get another part time job at an office that commences this coming Tuesday.  

This is my 17th job.  And I'm now looking for job no. 18 too.  

I am now struggling to meet my rent payment for next week, whilst completing coursework.  It's not going well.  When does it ever?

There were two writing competitions I'd wanted to enter this week, and I had to let both slip as I'm trying to complete my coursework for the summer.  The deadline is Monday, and completion of the work is starting to seem impossible (as usual).  

I finally had word from the Masters course in Creative Writing yesterday.  It was to do with module choices, and it took me a long while to make my decision.  I've opted to choose a contextual module called 'The Love Story' and also chosen the Professional Skills module in Prose.  Registration and induction for the course is on 25th September, and I'm supposed to be in Ibiza from 23rd to 27th September.  Stupid Move. 

Matters were made worse with the possible rejection of a possible love interest.  Again I attempted to let someone in, and felt that timely sting of rejection.  I'm still recovering.  Still adjusting.  You allow yourself to imagine being more than yourself.  Just for a moment.  And that person lets you know they have no intention of being with you.  It hurts.  It takes time, to recover.

I haven't felt this defeated since I resided in my room in the countryside, and I prepared to let myself die in the 'cave'.  A time where I only ate a single meal a day and didn't leave the house.  Was frightened to leave the house actually. Severe anxiety and depression.  

This week was the first time I started remembering that feeling, and started thinking about choices.  Back then, all those years ago when I started this blog, I had been on the brink of choosing to give up.  And this week has been the first time in a really long time that I'd considered really giving up.  

But if I can just make it through the first two weeks of August.  If I can submit my coursework, pass my one resit exam, pay my rent, and get a second job.  Finish furnishing my flat.  Settle some debts.  Maybe this will all be worth it.

Maybe I'd have made the right choice.