Monday, November 17, 2014

Looking for an Out

I want out.

My 26th Birthday highlighted something else to me.  I am still alone, which means it's time to leave, it's time to move, it's time to go.

I want out.  

I have somehow managed to commit myself (mentally) to staying in this new city for the next year and nine months.

But, I want out.  Like water, I want to trickle away, and not be confined anywhere.  Don't belong anywhere or to anyone, and I feel a strong need, to leave now.  

The MA.  Right now I feel nothing.

My degree.  Resentment.

My jobs.  A financial necessity.

My life.  A trap.  That I need out of.

Can't write, and don't know if I need to write.  Don't know if I need to do anything, other than leave.  

nothing but run, and run, and run until I can't hear a single voice, can't feel a pain, can't comprehend any more venomous bruises on my person, just run and not be here, and free, real free, free and fluid and 

silence

just can't have another hurt, can't bear another spite, on me, through me, about me, just be without me, be without the burden of me, all of Kamillah and her pain, just burning through pains of pains

and wretched shame, that doesn't seem to ever truly be vanquished, only seems to fester and rise, and surge like rising water 

rising water

and I should run

why don't I just run when there's nothing left to prove, I can write and have written forever, and it doesn't matter if they don't want to read it, don't want to recognise my words, why do I care when they are 

inconsequential

and I could be running and fluid and free in all the glory of 

silence

and not muted but liberated and just 
not
here.
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