I want out.
My 26th Birthday highlighted something else to me. I am still alone, which means it's time to leave, it's time to move, it's time to go.
I want out.
I have somehow managed to commit myself (mentally) to staying in this new city for the next year and nine months.
But, I want out. Like water, I want to trickle away, and not be confined anywhere. Don't belong anywhere or to anyone, and I feel a strong need, to leave now.
The MA. Right now I feel nothing.
My degree. Resentment.
My jobs. A financial necessity.
My life. A trap. That I need out of.
Can't write, and don't know if I need to write. Don't know if I need to do anything, other than leave.
nothing but run, and run, and run until I can't hear a single voice, can't feel a pain, can't comprehend any more venomous bruises on my person, just run and not be here, and free, real free, free and fluid and
silence
just can't have another hurt, can't bear another spite, on me, through me, about me, just be without me, be without the burden of me, all of Kamillah and her pain, just burning through pains of pains
and wretched shame, that doesn't seem to ever truly be vanquished, only seems to fester and rise, and surge like rising water
rising water
and I should run
why don't I just run when there's nothing left to prove, I can write and have written forever, and it doesn't matter if they don't want to read it, don't want to recognise my words, why do I care when they are
inconsequential
and I could be running and fluid and free in all the glory of
silence
and not muted but liberated and just
not
here.
Happy birthday,Kam!!! I don't know what to say... But... I just love your writing so much. x
ReplyDeleteHi Sinley, thank you! Hope your studies are going well, and you're preparing for a great time in Oxford! Kam x
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