Sunday, December 14, 2014

Wobble

I'd found myself in a new existence, I found myself transferred into this Better Life, not great, not yet, but ten times better than it had been the past few years.  I was walking the walk, and feeling truly alive.

I wobbled.  

I had a deadline for the MA course on Thursday, and I felt it slipping away from me, and the old existence came rushing back to me, taunting me, and I felt myself...fail.  I failed myself.

My tutor was very understanding and said as I have 2 jobs he doesn't mind giving me an extension.  But that disgust with myself, came back, all too quickly and I was disappointed.  Then I had an email back from my manuscript tutor and although some of the things she said were positive, some of the criticisms made me wobble, and it wasn't doubt that surrounded me, but something else. 

It felt like a hiccup I guess.  And I began to wonder again if there is any point to this.

And those old thoughts of never being truly happy, ever being truly content, ok in myself resurfaced.  And again I wondered, why was I doing this?  Why was I putting myself through this?  I've never really understood myself, except for the fact that I was supposed to do something extraordinary.  I always believed, that I was supposed to do something extraordinary.  Not because I was conceited, or felt that I was extraordinary, I just knew that it was something I was capable of.  

But I wobbled, and now...

I feel a void.

Questions, questions and fear 

doubt

epic inner pause

*breathe*

continue.

It's Sunday now.  I have to finish my essay by noon tomorrow.  And then I will be able, finally, to start thinking about next year.  2015.  Not ready, not ready.  So much needs to change, so much needs to happen.  And it can't just be in the year 2015.  It has to be in the first half of 2015.  

For so many years I have been jogging on the spot, biding my time, thinking, trapped, lost but determined, whilst my peers sprinted ahead of me.  I almost feel ready to run again.  Almost.

There is no more room for doubt.  I'm 26 and I know who I am.  

I can't wobble.

I have to show the world who I am.  And when I do there will be no more questions left for me to answer. 
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