Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Belief

I'm literally scraping together whatever little belief I have left in myself.

I've been so through.  I've had a viral infection for about a week, and feel so weak.  I've been off work for a week, and felt nothing but guilt, despite the fact that I'm ill.  

I've also been disappointed.  I thought that I'd be graduating with my classmates for the Creative Writing course in July, but the majority of them will be graduating in February.  As usual, I remain the pariah.  

I give up, trying to be a part of anything. 

I can't make anymore mistakes now.  Every deadline and hand in has to be met on time, and with good quality work behind it.  

And what's worse, is that when it's over...I will have to find something to do with my life.  It's all too terrifying. More terrifying still, is that I am seriously considering giving up my job, and attempting a life as a "writer" whatever the fuck that is.  This goes against everything I know.  In the UK, you work.  You work till you're 70, and then you sit by the sunny window and smile at a job well done. You don't quit your job for pipe dreams.  

I worked so hard for my job.  For the status, the independence, the pay packet.  And I want to chuck it away for a notion of a better life.  

I've got to hang in there.  I've got to do this.  There's nowhere left to hide.  
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Sunday, October 25, 2015

Fighting the tide

Fighting the tide
So I missed the deadline. And suddenly I was able to think again.  The moral of that story; I don't respond well to deadlines, or pressu...
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Sunday, September 06, 2015

Fear of Self

Fear of Self
I'm so frightened to be me. The silence is too unnerving, and often I can't think.  Can't write.  I don't want to be alone a...
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Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Nothing Really Changes

Nothing Really Changes
I've spent such a long time, believing that if I found someone to love me, things would change.  Maybe it's from being an only child...
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Monday, August 31, 2015

Occupation

Occupation
Well, I officially only have four weeks left to write my manuscript. It's not going well at all. I've been doing a lot of thinking a...
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Sunday, August 16, 2015

Maybe It's Just Time to Go

Maybe It's Just Time to Go
Old dreams make way for new dreams.   And maybe it's time to dream a new dream. Maybe it's time to leave the UK, finally.  While I s...
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Saturday, August 15, 2015

Killing Time

Killing Time
It's been a while. I'm not sure where to start, or what to say really.   The one thing I do know is that, something has definitely c...
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Saturday, June 27, 2015

The Values We Choose

The Values We Choose
In the darkness there are only a few sparks of light I hold on to, and they are values I chose a long time ago.  They are values that I don&...
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Saturday, June 13, 2015

Where is Joy

Where is Joy
Nothing has been harder, than this.  Every day a question burns through me, and I find no answer. I've done what I can, and still it'...
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Monday, June 08, 2015

When It All Falls Down

When It All Falls Down
I think...that I've been trying to save myself, forever. It's always a close shave.  But this time I don't know.  I really don&#...
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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Terror

Terror
So I have exactly 5 days left. And still at 4 deadlines. The terror is here. I'm more than weak, I'm knackered.  Barely crawling, ba...
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Sunday, May 03, 2015

Escaping the Nightmare

Escaping the Nightmare
Living alone, can allow you to see the world, as it really is.  It's like looking through a dark tinted window, however the dark tint al...
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Sunday, April 26, 2015

Wrestling

Wrestling
More of an internal struggle really. I now have three weeks remaining of Real Uni, and four remaining deadlines to complete.  However, my MA...
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Tuesday, April 07, 2015

Breathing Dreams Like Air

Breathing Dreams Like Air
My dreams, are constantly changing, so much so, that I don't ever feel like I can be one person. I always feel that I am several people ...
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Monday, March 30, 2015

Weeks like these

Weeks like these
Not so sure about this week. Feels like there is so much at stake, and I cannot juggle, cannot pull off anymore miracles. I have a job inter...
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Saturday, March 28, 2015

Thoughts

Thoughts
Oh life.  It's getting harder. All this time, I've been thinking that my life is a race, and that I am constantly slipping behind.  ...
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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Might Be Too Much

Might Be Too Much
Today, and at least 6 months too late, I've realised- -that I might  have taken on too much. After doing my very best to be a model work...
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Thursday, February 19, 2015

Tired

Tired
I don't even have the time to write this post, but here I am, writing. I'm so tired.   I got some marks back from the MA course this...
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Saturday, February 07, 2015

Courage mon brave

Courage mon brave
January is over, and hello February. It took more than will to get through January, which was a thankless month filled with tasks, and deadl...
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