Sunday, January 11, 2015

Patience

Happy New Year.

January is already, a trial.  (Poor use of a comma there. Tut.)

Last week was tough, I felt myself slipping.  I missed a deadline by a day, but managed to submit within the 24 hour window, which usually I wouldn't have been able to do.  Usually I'd have a complete meltdown.  But somehow I did it.  Somehow I functioned with only 8 hours sleep over 3 nights, and I made the deadline.  

I'm really starting to resent my degree.  I don't understand what I've done with my life these past 4 years, and I'm very disappointed that I'm only now seeing what happened, what went wrong.  I mean now's better than never.  But really all I keep thinking- because all I keep seeing is everyone enjoying their small scraps of hard work and reaping and reaping-is any good fortune left for me?  What's left?  Am I toiling, for the mediocre?  Or am I busting my arse for something worthwhile?

*but enough.  enough, enough, enough*

Every few days, every few hours, there is that pitiful fear.  It pops up, as I remind myself that I'm 26, not 24, where there were still a few extra years of leeway, where there was still the opportunity to live abroad for 2 years, and emerge back in the UK as someone else, and still be on the 'right side of 30'.  

I'm full of anxiety, wondering if I've made the right choices, if I've blown it.  I find myself researching successful women's ages on wikipedia, the ages they married, had children.  I find myself wondering if I even want children.  How much it sucks to be a woman.  This pressure to fill our lives with certain achievements before 30 or 35, before we know that all the 'good ones' are gone, the good eggs, the good men.  

FECK.

I try to be brave.  I don't know if I am brave, or resilient, or just stoic.  But really, what I have to be is patient. 

I have to survive this current week, which is a turmoil of assessments for my degree, part time work, and my first driving lesson in over 4 years.  And then, then I can finally start to look forward, and get myself sorted out, and finally get my hair done, and some much needed TLC. 

Onwards and upwards. Xxx

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