Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Might Be Too Much

Today, and at least 6 months too late, I've realised-

-that I might have taken on too much.

After doing my very best to be a model worker at my job, an enthusiastic student on the MA course, and at least an attending student at 'real uni' I have realised today that I am so behind in all of my deadlines that I don't know if I can possibly pull this off.

I'm flailing.  I'm a mess.  And everything is coming at me sideways and I don't know if there's any chance of me making this endeavour a success.

Problem 1:  My job, is slowly working me into the ground.  It's evening work, which is probably the worst kind there is.  Before, it was slightly clerical with a dose of labour, and now that our team is shrinking, it has developed into out and out labour, Ben Hur RAMMING SPEED style.

And it doesn't pay me enough.  Not enough to actually break even each month with my debts.  I need a new job, badly.  I don't even have the energy to look for jobs online anymore.  Desperately in need of Job No. 19.

Problem 2: 'Real Uni' is turning into a real problem; I barely attend, not up to date with my deadlines and it's all coming to a head at the end of March.  I have a dissertation due by the middle of April, and the last reading opportunity my tutor can give me is the end of March, so I'm really going to have to pick up the pace.

Problem 3: MA.  I should be a very good student, i.e. reading several books a week, and moving steadily through my novel.  Instead I am the straggler of the course, although so far my grades don't reflect this.  I need to eliminate the internet, and get to working.

Problem 4: My flat.  My landlord is trying to sell my flat, and I have no idea where that's going to leave me, but knowing my life, I will have to be moving on, again, come July.  So much for stability and a room of one's own.  But who knows, maybe I can find a better flat.

The only way to do this, is to break things down in pieces, and attack them one at a time.

I'm going to try and get a few days off work next week, so that I can actually feel like a human being again, and get enough time to focus on my studies.  I'm also going to start looking/applying for additional work, and then maybe around April time, a new job altogether.  Life is full of unpredictable changes, and I thought maybe I was getting my life under control, but maybe I still haven't reached that point yet.  

Even if it is too much, I have to keep going.  I've come way too far to fall apart now.  Although the actual goal/time frame towards happiness keeps extending and warping.  I've been telling myself that all I need to do is make it to April (that's when the majority of my major deadlines at Real Uni are) and finally I'd be free to focus on the MA alone, and on getting my financial life together, and eventually purchasing a car, and finally, maybe, an actual real holiday?

On, and on.  


1 comment

Blogger Template Created by pipdig