Wrestling

More of an internal struggle really.

I now have three weeks remaining of Real Uni, and four remaining deadlines to complete.  However, my MA course deadlines have started to overlap and I'm stumbling, struggling, wrestling with myself.

Yesterday I broke down in tears, thinking, what is the point of it all.  I made the mistake of looking at ex friends and old friends' Facebook Lives (something intrinsically different from Real Life) and was all too certain that I was making a mistake, and that I should be looking for a boyfriend and a stylist and a friend finder of some sort post haste, and get my social life all the way together, because yes, that is what matters, and that is what I need.

But then I had to take another breath, and remind myself that there's plenty of time for that, and I need to do the one good service I can for myself and that is finish my education.  I had to reassure myself, that yes, it has been long, too long, and sometimes so meandering and pointless that I want to scream and run away.  But running away won't fix it, and won't make it go away any faster, so I have to stick this out.  

I'm really struggling with writing.  I've missed several informal deadlines for the MA; and I keep having to request extensions for Real Uni.  My brain is void of ideas, creativity, and I am...exhausted?  Fatigued?  I can't even think of words.

I'm stuck on chapter 2 of my novel.  I wrote it a couple of years ago, but with all the changes I made to the first chapter, my old second chapter is useless.

I keep deleting phrases, and the characters remain stupid, mute and static.  I am not enjoying this.  It's like my brain has divided into creative and scientific and the creative side is paralysed thanks to the scientific side.  I'm not sure how to overcome this.  I have to complete the second chapter of my novel as well as an essay by tomorrow evening.  

I am not pleased with myself.

I managed to get a new job last week.  I was ecstatic for exactly 30 seconds.  Then came the worry.  Then came the sickly feeling.  For some reason, I've decided to keep my old job.  I told myself, this is the best time to save money, and recuperate financially.  

I don't know how I will juggle this new job (which has excessive hours) and complete the last year of Real Uni come September.  I tell myself to deal with it, when it comes to it.

I tell myself that but I'm not convinced.

I have limited interactions with friends.  Family. 

I feel stuck.  I told myself to make it to the end of April.  It's the end of April, but somehow the finish line has moved to the end of May.

Will it move again in June?

I hope not.

So tired.  So weak.  

33 days left, till the last deadline.  33 days, till a summer.

Come on.