Monday, June 08, 2015

When It All Falls Down

I think...that I've been trying to save myself, forever.

It's always a close shave.  But this time I don't know.  I really don't.

My MA deadlines, have spiralled out of control.  I had a 2 week extension and missed it.  Got a weekend extension.  And now everything is due tomorrow.

And is it done?  Completed?  

When is it ever?

My entire world keeps unravelling around me.  I'm being evicted from my flat, the one place that was supposed to be secure, the one thing I should have been able to keep.  No more Room of One's Own.  Yes I have 2 jobs but every bit of money I earn is eaten up by Tuition Fees, Rent and Debt.  I have no time.  I am a zombie.

I've committed to a trip that I can't really afford, but decided that if I don't do it now, I probably won't ever do it. (More on that later)

And finally, this year I was in a position to get a car, after all the struggle, and the opportunity is dwindling.  Fading.  Like everything else.  

I haven't seen my friends in 4 months.  

I miss them and I don't.  I resent them for those 4 months.  

I want to go and live on top of a mountain and whisper, fuck it all

I want to rewind.  But there is no stop point.  I just want to rewind, and let this existence fade, the same way I'm fading now.  

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