Monday, August 31, 2015

Occupation

Well, I officially only have four weeks left to write my manuscript.

It's not going well at all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the manuscript.  But I am struggling to write the manuscript.  I can't really think of what goes where.  I've lost some amount of confidence, to write what I need to write.

And the silence frightens me.

I pick up books, and put them down.  I read a few sentences, and then I watch a youtube video.  I watch movie trailers.  Video game cutscenes and puzzles.  My mind is overflowing with images, phrases and scenes.  I don't know what it is that I'm waiting for, I just know that I'm fucking up royally.

I always do this because I despise deadlines.

The most frustrating thing is that I know that I want to be a writer.  I've always known that, but now it seems clearer and clearer everyday.  The only problem, is my life.  My reality, is crumbling around me, and I must save it.  It has been too many years of confusion and chaos, and I'm not willing to go back to that.

Currently as it stands, I hopefully only have one more academic year at Real Uni left.  I now have a decent paying job (which unfortunately will not fit in with uni lectures).  The only thing missing is a new flat.  A car.  And a savings account.

We were so close to getting right.

But in a month's time, all those plans are going to disappear.  And Real Life will kick in once more and get mashed up.  Why can't I write? 

I can't even get the word documents open.  I like to watch tv shows, and distract myself with other stories.  

I can't write.  

Sometimes I think that fear stems from the knowledge that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm supposed to be a writer.  It's who I am supposed to be.  And maybe that's why so much of my life hasn't fallen into place, because this whole time I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  

Or maybe it's because I'm stressed.  I'm always at work (2 jobs) and when I come home my mind is all abuzz from the office.  I can barely think of what to eat, let alone plotlines, character development, twists and witty dialogue.

If I could, I would quit work and write full time.  But I can't.  We are straying into the world of fantasy, and I'm firmly entrenched in reality.  And all its financial ties.  

Till next time, I guess.  The countdown continues.  

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