Well, I officially only have four weeks left to write my manuscript.
It's not going well at all.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about the manuscript. But I am struggling to write the manuscript. I can't really think of what goes where. I've lost some amount of confidence, to write what I need to write.
And the silence frightens me.
I pick up books, and put them down. I read a few sentences, and then I watch a youtube video. I watch movie trailers. Video game cutscenes and puzzles. My mind is overflowing with images, phrases and scenes. I don't know what it is that I'm waiting for, I just know that I'm fucking up royally.
I always do this because I despise deadlines.
The most frustrating thing is that I know that I want to be a writer. I've always known that, but now it seems clearer and clearer everyday. The only problem, is my life. My reality, is crumbling around me, and I must save it. It has been too many years of confusion and chaos, and I'm not willing to go back to that.
Currently as it stands, I hopefully only have one more academic year at Real Uni left. I now have a decent paying job (which unfortunately will not fit in with uni lectures). The only thing missing is a new flat. A car. And a savings account.
We were so close to getting right.
But in a month's time, all those plans are going to disappear. And Real Life will kick in once more and get mashed up. Why can't I write?
I can't even get the word documents open. I like to watch tv shows, and distract myself with other stories.
I can't write.
Sometimes I think that fear stems from the knowledge that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be a writer. It's who I am supposed to be. And maybe that's why so much of my life hasn't fallen into place, because this whole time I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Or maybe it's because I'm stressed. I'm always at work (2 jobs) and when I come home my mind is all abuzz from the office. I can barely think of what to eat, let alone plotlines, character development, twists and witty dialogue.
If I could, I would quit work and write full time. But I can't. We are straying into the world of fantasy, and I'm firmly entrenched in reality. And all its financial ties.
Till next time, I guess. The countdown continues.
Or maybe it's because I'm stressed. I'm always at work (2 jobs) and when I come home my mind is all abuzz from the office. I can barely think of what to eat, let alone plotlines, character development, twists and witty dialogue.
If I could, I would quit work and write full time. But I can't. We are straying into the world of fantasy, and I'm firmly entrenched in reality. And all its financial ties.
Till next time, I guess. The countdown continues.
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