Thursday, February 18, 2016

Lost Somewhere

I haven't stopped blogging, honest.  

However, I had planned for some major changes and instead, I found myself lost somewhere.  And now I'm even more lost, because I haven't blogged for several months.  My blog seemed like a kind of anchor in the madness.  And without that anchor, I feel stranded.

Misguided.

So a catch up.  My blog...I was actually planning to move it to a new website, but right now, I have NO time to get it up and running.  I've lost my old domain blackwordsblueverbs.com so right now I'm marooned here at blackwordsblueverbs.blogspot.co.uk  It's all a bit confusing, and I'm sure I've lost any regular readers, but it is just life.  I'm hoping to start up my new site soon, and will post details on here, though I doubt anyone will find it.

Writing.  Writing has become a lost art that I no longer understand.  My Masters in Creative Writing is a lost aspiration.  

Real Uni.  So yes, I quit my decent job, and went back to Real Uni, for one last 4 month shot at Real Life.  It has been awful.  I hate uni with a passion, I miss the regularity of full time employment, and I have a lot of time on my hands, to reflect on what I am not happy with.  It's all a giant mess really.

I've calculated that I now have 15 assessments to complete in 14 weeks, to end this seemingly endless sojourn as a student.  This has been the ugliest experience of my life and the next 14 weeks is bound to be uglier still.  

Whilst giving up has always seemed like an option I'd never truly consider, at my most desperate time of need, I am seriously considering it.  This is hell.  This hurts me, and I want out.   But instead, I persevere, and I feel that I am failing myself.

Sometimes, when I step outside of uni life, I am able to really dream of some ventures I want to explore, that involve travel, and self improvement, design, and ambition upon ambition. And this is real ambition where I could see it through if only I were my own boss, if only I could reclaim my autonomy.  

I feel like I'm being stepped over at uni, and find myself disliking the girl they morph me back into; before I quit my job I was a woman.  I'm not sure where this is all going to end up, to be honest.  I make little charts and lists of all the work I have to complete, and I've actually written that February and April are likely to be the worst months.  Amen to that, because February has been unbearable.  There's only a week and a half to go, but there's a lot for me to get done in that time.  

I honestly don't know if I can do it, because I'm more than exhausted, I'm actually burnt out.  

I wake up tired, I go to sleep guilty.  This past week I've done my best to avoid university, not because I hate it, but because I can not deal with it mentally at the moment.  

If I cock anything up, I can say goodbye to a summer graduation, and if I'm lucky, it will get pushed into November, which still counts as graduating this year but whether that would be enough to sate me I do not know.  And I know, the most obvious solution is to stop whining and worrying and just get on and do it. 

I've tried.

I've sat with two screens on my desk, I've blocked social media apps but even when I have this coursework in front of me, nothing comes out.  I can't believe it.  It's like the strongest form of writer's block I've ever experienced in my life, and I don't know where it's come from or how to stop it.  I've tried writing in other environments (uni library and cafes) I've tried cramming and doing all nighters, I've tried giving the work a break and then trying to get back to it with gusto.

Nothing's working.

Not even the certain and impending doom if I don't complete these bloody 15 assessment in 14 weeks' time.  Each day, I feel like I'm talking myself off the ledge, and a day of university puts me right back on it.  

It's going to take a lot more than bravery and tenacity to get through the next 3 months.  It's going to take more than what I have.

Until next time, and hopefully with a positive update.  
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